1860 - uncompleted,
oil on canvas, 285 x 343 cm,
Musée Gustave Moreau.
To cut to the chase, today’s New Moon in Aries is highly stimulating me to deal with my fear of visibility. After writing about my Revival during Aquarius Season, which was around the same time I launched my website, I immediately fell into this unknown void of what it means to be visible. Thank the stars for Pisces Season coming afterwards, which allowed me to completely detach from this earthly plane and my feelings of not being good enough. Helping me release this internalized capitalistic idea that I’m not worthy of launching this website, to offer my services, to even write down these words because... who the fuck am I? Great lesson from Pisces Season though: when you release all of the shit that holds you back, you actually make space for better things to come.
So here we are, exposed, vulnerable, visible and more importantly, seen. It reminds me of one of the first times I had to give a presentation in Musée Gustave Moreau in Paris for my Art History class. Anxious as fuck, I had to talk about the expression of passions in Moreau’s The Suitors. About how he did not want to steer the viewers’ moral or to instill a certain reaction or emotion (as was common for artists in that time to do so). Instead, he wanted to touch the viewers’ éclairs intérieurs, their innermost thoughts and feelings, to honor their freedom to experience whatever came up for them.
The reason why this specific moment came up for me during this New Moon, is because I vividly remember how I felt during that presentation. As mentioned, I felt anxious as I was so preoccupied with how I came across. With what my classmates were experiencing. Or to be more frank, with how my classmates and teachers were experiencing me. Just like artists from that time, I was trying so hard to instill a certain emotion (read=please like me and think I’m doing a good job), I completely forgot to enjoy myself.
Fast forward six years later, I went from only feeling visible (meaning my visibility usually turns me into a target for hatred and criticism and thus I hate it to be seen, yet I also loathe it whenever I don’t feel seen lol), to now fully allowing myself to be seen, and to actually enjoy it! Just like a Moreau painting, I’m no longer (constantly) preoccupied with how my viewers perceive me. Rather, I let this New Moon in Aries be my permission slip to touch my viewers’ éclairs intérieurs, and to honor their freedom to experience me however I come up for them. Consequently, I’m making room for myself by releasing this responsibility that’s not mine to carry. Ever appreciative of the current Aries energy, I gently remind myself: whatever you think of me is none of my business.
xx Rachella Raquel